Good evening, Europe. Guten Abend, Bonsoir, buena noches, buanosera from (insert any European capital). Definitely a Eurovision Song Contest classic, this one, along with, “Here are the results of the… (insert any European country name)”, performers in questionable clothing, Celine Dion tribute acts, gratuitous use of sexy women on stage. As we prepare for the 61st Eurovision Song Contest, here’s my list of the 22 things you’re most likely to see on the night.
The over enthusiastic trio
And there has to always be three, right? As if two wasn’t enough; or come to think of it, just the one.
Futuristic Fantastic Looks
Because no matter the country or the year, we all crave the tin foil look apparently.
On stage antiques that have nothing to do with singing
You may be led to thing Eurovision is a song contest, but year after year you’ll be subjected to third rate circus acts on stage – Cirque de Soleil cast offs? I reckon so.
And at least one monocycle
Otherwise how else would we know this is the greatest once a year circus show – sorry, song contest – in Europe?
Milk maids
Sex sells, haven’t you heard? Even if it doesn’t win song contests.
Gratuitous use of male nudity
Because… see above.
A contestant or ten that style forgot
Think sequin leotards, think feathers, think pink. Yup, there is always the one – or ten…
Zealous flag-waving
After all it is the biggest way European states – and some others – get to patriotically represent – with no a hint of irony!
That dodgy group with the dodgy aviation theme costumes
Because remember, this is the content fashion forgot. And bottles of champagne apparently make for great phallic symbols.
And that dodgy duo
A must every single year.
Always that one singer channel Xena the Princess Warrior
Nothing says winner like being dressed like a warrior princess of course.
A wind machine or eight
We like girls in skimpy clothes. Girls with long hair. Girls in skimpy clothes with wind in their long hair. Genius!
Traditional dancing
Nothing can show of your culture like some old women dancing in traditional costumes.
Non-traditional dancing
And nothing says Eurovision like the campest of camp choreography.
Belly dancing
With Turkey no longer taking part, admittedly belly dancing has taken a blow, but there are still a precious few countries holding the fort.
Hair!
Always the one Baltic band stuck in the golden age of Hair Rock.
So much hair!
And always that group of men with ill-advised hirsute pursuits.
More hair!
Of the chest kind. Or lack thereof. We did say Eurovision was camp, right?
Excitement in the green room.
Prepare for lots of clapping, cheers and blowing kisses – and that’s before they’ve won.
Always that one over-enthusiastic presenter giving the results of the jury
It’s Saturday night. It’s Eurovision. She’s had a few too many. The fate of UK coming right at the bottom hangs between her two lips. Et voila!
UK coming last
As is often the case since the early Noughties when they took over from Turkey as Europe’s least favourite.
That winning look
It’s always clutching the heart and fanning the face of course.
from the ’80s…
To date…
